Sometimes I wish I could go outside at night

Go on a walk

Cloaked in shadows

Breath curl around my lips in small clouds

Let myself become blanketed

In the lesser light of the moon

And the car tail lights and traffic signals

The quiet of a busy street

I know too well

Car horns and rushing across asphalt

A soothing song to me

But it’s all too cold

In this season

It’s cold enough to shiver

But warm enough that my coat

Would be too hot

That maddening equilibrium

So I don’t go outside at night after all

Sometimes I wish I could go outside at night

in the storm

Thunder rolling around me

Screaming loud enough to fit in

Rain soaked clothes clinging to my skin

Oh so cold

It burns in such a good way

I dance

Euphoria is a strange feeling at this hour

A low hanging fog

And wet ground

Let myself fall in the mud

Beg the earth to reclaim me early

But something in me

tells me to keep going

So I don’t go outside at night after all

Sometimes I wish I could go outside at night

Down the block

Across the street

Into the church

To feel what should be safety

And teach me how to pray

That I might get an answer back

Tell me why the grounds burn

The soles of my feet

And the words scorch my throat

Is there anything up there anyway

Through our light polluted sky

Unfortunately, I believe

I like to hope that there’s something after it all

Not just an unfinished breath

So I don’t go outside at night after all

Sometimes I wish I could go outside at night

Past the street by my house

Past Glebe Road

Past Columbia Pike

Past Arlington Boulevard

Past 495

Walk till my feet go numb

Out away from the city

Into the woods

To see the stars once more

Stare until my eyes tear up

And let the tears fall

In their own moment of defiance

Look up at the sky and wonder what’s past it

Strain my eyes to see

What might not even be there

And let those tears fall too

It all comes too quickly

And the tears burn my eyes

So I don’t go outside at night after all

Sometimes I wish I could go outside at night

But even staying up

Is dangerous for me

Thoughts and words

Rush unfiltered

And The shadows do little

To hide what is already unseen

I ponder

For just a little too long

What I’m even doing here

Ponder why I can’t picture myself past 23

Wonder why I can’t draw myself with my eyes

Contemplate why I can’t take pictures showing my whole face

Reflect on why I don’t even recognize myself

Was it all at once

Or a gradual movement

Thinking isn’t something I should do past 10

It’s too late to be up

It’s too early to be up now

So I don’t go to sleep at night after all